In the past of 4 years ago.

"I'm losing you & it's effortless" - The Fray.

These past few days I'm stuck thinking of "the six." How close we were and all that we shared. We are all doing different things, but we always find our way back to one another.

Parts of me just wants to get you outta my head... we're not those people anymore (you & I).
'You swear you recall nothing at all
That could make you come back down
You made up your mind to leave it all behind
Now you're forced to fight it out

You fall away from your past
But it's following you
You fall away from your past
But it's following you

You left something undone, it's now your rerun
It's the one you can't erase
You should have made it right, so you wouldn't have to fight
To put a smile back on your face

You fall away from your past
But it's following you
You fall away
You fall away

Something I've done that I can't outrun
Maybe you should wait maybe you should run
But there's something you've said that can't be undone

And you fall away from your past
But It's following you

You fall away
It's following you' - the fray.

* and you.
I feel like I'm losing you and no longer know what to do.
Why do we do this to one another?
Sometimes it's the people you care about the most who you end up hurting the most.

Dear, ________

The other night I heard the news that you were engaged. It was a total shock to me. I tried to be as happy for you as I could let myself. I don't know what it is about you...
All in that moment I thought back to four years ago, when everything started. I had never felt that way before. You knew everything it seemed, and you knew me so well. You knew when to step up and when to step down and let me do it. I loved the way you took charge and how you did things. You were determined. You were protective of me and what people did and said to me, and even in many moments it didn't seem like it but I really did like it. Never once were you afraid to fight for me or stick up for me even if it meant talking to our friends about it on my behalf. You always wanted to fix every problem that I had even though you couldn't. You fought so hard for me. You said some things to me that nobody has ever said to me before. I'll never forget that smile on your face when I was around. Or how I was told your face lit up when someone mentioned my name. How your parents treated me and cared for me. How hard you tried to make sure I was always comfortable in every situation. Even when I was scared you always made sure to make it better. I'll never forget the time you hugged me and spun me around in the air. I'll never forget catching my breath after being with you. And I'll never forget smiling the day after.
I'll never forget many things about you... I just can't.

To know that you're going to be getting married is a scary & upsetting thing to me. I know you are happy, and so am I don't get me wrong, but just something hit me when I heard the news. It was like all of the sudden I was living in the past all over again. It's not like I want to or was even thinking and wishing of being together again, but for a second it felt like I could never have that again. For whatever reason it was like chances were done. I couldn't help myself from thinking, "what if..." and it really started to bother me.

Today you are not that person who you were four years ago. You are not that guy who I wanted to be with. If anything, you are far from that. I catch myself thinking back to you & me, and then ask myself why am I? I can't live in four years ago. I can't keep thinking that you're still that person. I can't keep comparing every guy to you. I can't keep living in the past and in those memories.
We've each had our share of hurt towards each other. We have each grown and changed from the people we are today. We both have very different lives now, and maybe that's for the better.

I will always wish you well. I will always keep your memory with me as a good one. I will always
remember our good times more than our bad ones. I wish you all of the luck and happiness with your new wife. I hope you succeed and do well, and I hope you never live a life of regret. I hope that you hold onto God and what he has for you. I hope you don't lose sight of him. I hope you learn to be faithful to her and to love her. I hope you give her all that she deserves and more. You once told me you wanted to give me the world... and I hope you give her that. Even though I may never be in your life the same way that I once was I do hope that somehow I'll stay in it.

It's just something about you. I just can't forget you.
I couldn't help but thinking if she was me. I couldn't help but think 'this could've been me.'
There is something about your first that you never forget... no matter how hard you try.
I will always remember you.

With love,
Jenna.